So I ask myself: do our brains also contain special neuronal pockets making us fear spiders, bears and sabre-tooth tigers? And before Homo sapiens goes entirely extinct, will evolution go into speed-dial emergency survival mode and gift us with a special place in our cerebral cortices which enable us to spot a slimy politician from a mile away?
While you're pondering that one, I hope you've decided what to give out to your trick-or-treaters tonight. Since I am personally partial to Three Musketeers, I bought several bags of the "Fun Size" in anticipation that the usual lone child from my apartment complex will show up at my door and daintily pick out only a few from my 10-pound decorative pumpkin bowl. (I live on a busy highway with no sidewalks, not amenable to pedestrians, unfortunately.)
I was going to give out Kludgies in honor of Obamacare, but couldn't find any at ShopRite. Turns out the little goodies are still under development in the Neoliberal Confection Lab. From what I hear, the preliminary tests are not going well. For starters, the fake sugar they're using leaves a bitter aftertaste. And tasters are paradoxically reporting that the candy either melts in their mouths too quickly, or gets stuck in their throats, making them gag. Maybe the glitches will be worked out in time for next Halloween. People will have different reactions. Some will think they've been tricked. Others will be abjectly grateful for the treat, any treat. Still others will nod sagely and pontificate that the Kludgie sensation was always designed to be a different experience for different people. The poor person's poison is the better-off person's candy.
One thing's for darn certain. Kludgie portions will be pitifully small, but the marketers will try to fool us by calling them "fun size."
Oh well. They couldn't possibly be worse than Candy Corn and its close relative, Pumpkin Boobs (those orange sugar globules with the telltale green nipple), or Mary Janes, (which you could only possibly crave after first indulging in some real Mary Jane), Other most-hateds are Bit o'Honey and Tootsie Rolls. And watch out for those Whoppers. They might just remind you of your favorite worst politician.
And if these images aren't scary enough for you, 60 Minutes ran a segment that actually includes pornographic footage of Dick Cheney's ex-heart lying in an O.R. emesis basin like a slab of rotten bloated meat. You can see it here while gorging yourself on your imaginary Kludgies.