Chris: I want to drill right down.... like an oil rig in fragile, shallow Arctic waters. No audience participation will be tolerated. What -- you thought this was a participatory democracy and the debates weren't funded and controlled by the corporations that own the place? So shut up already, and let these two plutocrats spew their dreck at the enthralled TV audience.
First topic, Supreme Court. Will you let the Founders lead the country from their graves?
Hillary: You know, what kind of country is this going to be? We need a Supreme Court that will stand up for women's rights and do away with the kind of dark money that my campaign has had absolutely no qualms about accepting.
Chris: Trump, same question.
Donald: I love all the amendments but mostly the Second, which is under trauma.
Chris: Clinton, what's wrong with everybody having a gun?
Hillary: Nothing. I love guns and I love gun-owners. Arkansas and Upstate New York, which I represented, are chock-full of the yahoos with guns. But I sure wouldn't want someone to kill us with one. Especially a redneck toddler. We have to keep guns out of the chubby little hands of toddlers living in trailer parks in Arkansas and Upstate New York.
Donald: Hillary is very strongly against the Second Amendment. She was very angry about the Heller decision. People were angry about her anger.
Hillary: I hate it when hordes of toddlers go around shooting each other. Their deplorable parents don't lock up their guns.
Chris: Trump, you support national open-carry.
Donald: Chicago has the toughest gun laws and the most violence. Just thought I'd get the obligatory racist dog whistle out of the way early. I will appoint only Second Amendment lovers to the Court.
Chris: Now that you mentioned violence, let's naturally segue into the hot button issue that wasn't a hot button issue until I said it was. Abortion. Trump, will you overturn Roe v Wade?
Donald: Let the states decide. For purposes of this election, I am pro-life. I have no other choice as a Republican.
Hillary: I love Roe v Wade. Donald hates cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. He wants to punish women who get abortions.
Chris: As a loyal Fox News employee, I will now gratuitously bring up the constitutional rights of Fetuses. Why, Clinton, are you against fetuses?
Hillary: I am for the health of mothers.
Donald: I think that is terrible! Hillary just wants to rip babies right out of wombs! In the final day of the ninth month!
Hillary: That's not what happens. You should meet with the women I've met over the course of my life. The government should stay out of wombs.
Chris: Since climate change is never an issue at Fox News, let's move on to immigration. Trump?
Donald: In the audience are four parents of kids killed by illegals. You have thousands of relatives all over the country. Drugs are pouring in. The border patrol endorsed me. Hillary and Obama cause heroin addiction. We have some Bad Hombres here and we have to get them out.
Chris: Clinton, is he wrong?
Hillary: When he was talking I was getting my next talking point lined up. I met a girl in Vegas named Carla whose parents are going to be ripped away from her the way Donald's imaginary full-term fetuses are getting ripped out of wombs. I don't want to rip. I am not a ripper.
Donald: Hillary wanted that Wall!
Hillary: I only want appropriate walls.Trump exploits undocumented shadow-workers.
Donald: Obama deports record numbers of my undocumented shadow workers!
Hillary: I do so too want borders! Why can't Trump be more like Saint Ronald Reagan? And my other Republican icon, the great George W. Bush?
Chris: But in $260,000 WikiLeaks speeches, you said you wanted open borders!
Hillary: But not for people. That was only for capital. Read the whole WikiLeaks why don't you. Oops, on second thought, don't, Because it's a Russian plot to rig the election. Why can't Trump just admit that he is a secret Russian agent?
Donald: That was a great pivot from open borders.
Chris: Hold on a minute. This is getting out of my express control. Silence!
Trump: Putin has no respect for Hillary.
Hillary: He'd rather have a puppet president.
Donald:You're the puppet.
Hillary: No you're the puppet.
Donald: Am not!
Hillary: Are too! The Russian plot is deeply disturbing to the secret heads of a multitude of secret American agencies which collect all your emails and phone records without your knowledge or permission.
Chris: Hey, what about me? Trump - will you condemn Putin or won't you?
Donald: Sure. I have no idea.
Chris: Wait, this has nothing to do with immigration!
Hillary: He wants to put his short fingers on the nuclear button in a very casual fashion. I am terrified. It would take Donald Trump only four minutes to blow up the whole entire world.
Donald: I have 200 generals and admirals and Medal of Honor recipients. Am too!
Hillary: The United States has kept the peace! The only way to keep the peace is enlisting many other NATO countries to spread the war around.
Chris: Now the economy. I hope you handle this as well as you handled immigration. I'm gonna drill down in your icy cold shallow waters a little bit more now, and hope the blow-out preventer gizmo works better than it did in the Gulf. So, Clinton, what about jobs and growth?
Hillary: If I can believe in more middle class Ladders of Opportunity, so can you. Think lovely thoughts. Donald doesn't believe in Ladders. He only believes in Chutes. He's a sore loser.
Donald: Saudi Arabia must pay. Also too Germany and South Korea and Japan, not to single them out, but why aren't they paying for our free college tuition? We're going to cut business taxes on massively rich people very massively. We're dying at One Percent GDP.
Hillary: Let me translate that if I may, Chris.
Donald: No you can't.
Hillary: I will not raise taxes on poor struggling people who make only $249,000 a year. When my husband, on whose coattails I am riding, was in office, we had a surplus caused by the bubble economy that was pumped up and later blown apart by deregulation. So we know how to control hot air. Obama's austerity measures for the middle class and poor then cut the deficit by two-thirds. Hooray for the plutocracy! We have to invest in people to make money off of people. Free-market neoliberalism with a happy face works for the One Percent!
Chris: So more Obama stimulus? Since I work at Fox News, let me get the usual dig in and falsely assert what a total drag it was on the economy.
Hillary: I've never seen plutocrats so physically distraught from an economic catastrophe as they were in the Bush administration. It was touch and go for the poor things for a couple of months. President Obama simply doesn't get the credit he deserves for ensuring that more than 90% of the gains have gone straight back to them. It was a terrible recession for them.
Donald: The economy is so bad I should be winning. Clinton can brag, but the results of NAFTA didn't kick in until they were out of office. Now she wants to sign the Trans-Pacific Partnership. She lied, they fact-checked, and I was so honored.
Hillary: When I saw the final fine print of TPP when I announced my candidacy I decided to be against it. Unless it "creates jobs, increases national security and raises incomes" I'll be against it after I am president too. And that is being deliberately vague and pragmatic. As I said in my leaked speech to bankers, there is a public stance and a private stance. And Donald built his Tower with Chinese steel.
Donald: You had a chance to stop me for 30 years and you didn't. You're a mess.
Hillary: When I was working for the Children's Defense Fund for a minute, Donald was kicking children out of their homes. When I was going against teachers' unions in Arkansas, he was inheriting millions from his Daddy. When I wore a soft powder pink suit to China as the consort of a president, he was fat-shaming Miss Universe. When I was curled up in the Situation Room, watching the violent porn of the Osama bin Laden execution, Donald was taping Celebrity Apprentice. Oh the humanity. Oh the things I have endured for this country.
Donald: You're fired. Go directly to jail.
Hillary: He never says he's sorry for anything. At least I admit that mistakes were sometimes made and I might do things differently all over again if I possessed even a smidgen of insight. But Donald even went after my war-mongering Republican friend John McCain. Ugh. Very, very dark. That's not who America is.
Donald: I'd love to talk about ISIS and stuff.
Chris: Okey-dokey. What about the emails and the corrupt Clinton Foundation, Clinton?
Hillary: Everything I did, I did for America. I'm thrilled to talk about it. So let me dodge the question and say that the Trump Foundation is for the enrichment of Donald Trump.
Donald: We put up the American flag at Mar-a-Lago.
Hillary: Release your tax returns!
Donald: It's because of people like you that I can avoid taxes. You could have changed the laws when you were a senator. Your donors are just like me and even worse than me.
Hillary: Chinese steel.
Chris: Will you accept the result of this election, Trump?
Donald: I see dead people. Voting. Stay tuned. It's rigged because Hillary should be in jail and never have been allowed to run.
Chris: But tradition, tradition!
Hillary: Horrifying to only now pretend to discover that Trump is not a gracious person. The FBI investigated me for a whole year. What more can you ask of a candidate? What's more, he complained he was cheated when he didn't get an Emmy for Celebrity Apprentice.
Donald: I should have.
Hillary: His mindset is funny, yet troubling. He's a big fat loser. This is not how democracy works. Democracy is a game and, as Obama said, you should not start whining before the game is even finished. Donald is rudely denigrating and talking down to a sporting event.
Chris: Hold on, folks. This kind of straight talk is no good to anyone at the top of the heap. So on to Foreign Hot Spots. What's hot and what's not? Give it your best Michelin Guide ratings. How's about Mosul?
Hillary: So glad there are boots on the ground and I will forever object to boots on the ground. And then on to Syria! We desperately need an intelligence surge. And a no-fly zone with lots of collateral damage and death in order to humanely protect Syrians.
Donald: So sad. MacArthur and Patton are rolling in their graves.
Hillary: Donald went on the Howard Stern show to support the invasion of Iraq.
Donald: Did not.
Hillary: Did too. I got audio. He thinks he's better than me just because I voted for a sham war. I watched bin Laden get brought to justice with a hundred bullets while he was doing stupid Celebrity Apprentice. Nonny nonny boo boo. He's unfit every time he talks.
Donald: No, you are. John Podesta said some horrible things about you, and he's right. Bernie said you have bad judgment.
Hillary: Bernie really likes me and he really hates you.
Chris: Let's go to Aleppo! Trump, you falsely said it had fallen.
Donald: No, I said it was a catastrophic mess. Heckuva job, Hillary.
Chris: A hotshot general said your no-fly zone would mean war with Russia, Clinton.
Hillary: War saves lives and makes wars end. But maybe we can strike a deal. Rome wasn't built in a day. And I am not letting any Syrian refugees in without being vetted. Even that little boy in the ambulance with the blood and dirt all over his face who we use as propaganda. We rely on Muslim Americans to spy on other Muslim Americans. And let me gratuitously add that the Muslim American who shot up the Orlando gay nightclub was born in the same New York borough as Donald! We have to up our war games and be smarter.
Donald: ISIS is in 32 countries. Don't make me spell them out.
Chris: OK. Now let's move on to the false claim that Social Security and Medicare are going broke. Why are you both ignoring this totally non-existent crisis?
Donald: I am going to create tremendous jobs.
Hillary: Back when Saint Ronald Reagan was president, Donald took out a full page ad and said America was the laughingstock of the world. I don't add to the national debt, which is indeed a very serious problem of the very serious people. We are going to politely beg the wealthy to pay their fair share. I want to invest in people and make them grow just like commodities. Donald's father was a millionaire and my father was only comfortably bourgeois.
Donald: I'm going to stick with the lie that cutting taxes on rich greedy bastards will create more jobs.
Chris: But what about entitlements for greedy widows, orphans and retirees?
Donald: Repeal and replace Obamacare. I'm not saying with what.
Hillary: Replenish the Social Security trust fund by taxing Donald Trump more -- unless he can figure a way to get out of it.
Donald: Such a nasty woman.
Hillary: Means-test Social Security, which is a sneaky way of turning it into a welfare program ripe for future cuts, instead of the social insurance program it is at the present time. I am euphemizing this for debate purposes as "harder decisions."
Chris: On a lighter note, let's end with some funny unrehearsed closing statements on why people should elect either one of you president. Clinton, it's your turn first.
Hillary: It's my turn. Awesome, incredible, mission, life's work, children, families.
Donald: She's raising money to control people. Me, I want to Make America Great Again.We have to take care of the military better than we take care of immigrants. We need law and order in mainly black inner cities. I will do more for them than she can ever do in ten lifetimes.
Chris: That brings to an end this series of corporate-controlled sham debates to which third and fourth party candidates have been barred because of low poll numbers caused by deliberate lack of coverage by the mainstream media. Now, America, the decision is up to you.
(Cheers, applause, spin, mainstream media becomes uniformly aghast that Trump thinks the whole process is rigged at the very same time they keep spreading the fear that Russia is trying to rig the election.)