Cute Animal Websites Must Be Destroyed, Says Sheriff Joe Biden

The Democrats sure had a point when they complained that the shenanigans of Anthony Weiner were just a distraction from more important stuff.  What with Weinergate, and President Obama's campaign swing through the South, and his delegating the domestic jobs crisis to the CEO of a multinational corporation that pays no taxes, nobody is noticing the important work that Vice President Joe Biden is doing.

Everybody seemed to miss the vice president's big announcement yesterday that he is The New Sheriff in Town! He has his fiscal six shooters out to blast away all the terrible horrible government waste and fraud and abuse to balance the budget and save our country.  Because fiscal weapons of mass destruction and tightening our belts are the only ways we can navigate those bumps in the road and forge ahead through the headwinds and make multinational corporations feel confident enough to provide all those new jobs they are just itching to create if only they didn't feel so taxed and nervous!

In an email sent out Monday called, aptly, "There's a New Sheriff in Town" Biden announced his new gig as Anti-Waste Czar:

Did you know that the government spends millions to maintain buildings that have sat vacant for years? Or that your tax dollars pay to needlessly ship copies of the Federal Register to thousands of government offices across the country even though the same information is available online?

And I bet you didn't know that your tax dollars pay for a website dedicated to the Desert Tortoise. I'm sure it's a wonderful species, but we can't afford to have a standalone site devoted to every member of the animal kingdom. It's just one of hundreds of government websites that should be consolidated or eliminated.

This kind of waste is just unacceptable. Particularly at a time when we’re facing tough decisions about reducing our deficit, it's a no-brainer to stop spending taxpayer dollars on things that benefit nobody.

That’s why President Obama asked me to head up the Campaign to Cut Waste—a new effort to root out wasteful spending at every agency and department in The Federal Government.

No Joe, I sure didn't know there was a website devoted to the Desert Tortoise, so I decided to check it out before it disappears from cyberspace forever.  It is a wonderful website, but I agree that it must cost at least several dollars a year to maintain. It's got full-color graphics, a FAQ feature, and links to other nature sites.  What a disgusting waste.  Plus this turtle is kind of boring.  The only thing it apparently does besides breathing and taking up valuable geographical and cyber space is to pee copiously all over your hand if you pick one up.  Ecch.

Now let's see.... wherever could the idea of a money-hogging desert tortoise destroying our budget have come from?  It's a known fact that governors in western states have been mounting a big campaign to do away with the federal Endangered Species Act altogether.  Just this year, the Gray Wolf was removed from the list thanks to lobbying by Montana ranchers who want to shoot the wolves because they kill a sick old cow once in awhile.  But since the Desert Tortoise lives mainly in the harsh environment of the Mojave Desert, what's the beef there?

I mean, the Tortoise is a perfect metaphor for the slow pace of our economic recovery, so it should be protected forever and ever and its website preserved. "Slow and Steady Wins the Race to the Top" should really replace Winning the Future as the Obama campaign slogan.

Joe Biden says we can't afford to have a stand-alone website devoted to every member of the animal kingdom. But since he's so concerned about austerity (or pretends to be to appease the Republicans) why not take a look at all those Department of Defense websites while we're at it?  Take a look at the $1 million a year it takes to keep one soldier in Afghanistan, take a look at all the billions going to feed the Karzai drug cartel, to build roads and schools and maintain bases overseas -- and then talk to the American people about the deficit and our own crumbling infrastructure and exactly what it is that constitutes waste, fraud and abuse.

And how wasteful is it to have a vice president wasting his time writing harebrained emails that trash-talk tortoises? Maybe we should just trim the waste and get rid of the vice presidency altogether. And leave turtles and the Desert Tortoise website alone!

Say It Ain't So, Joe! (Can I Call You Joe?)