State of the Bunion 2019: The Heel That Spurred

I used to have such fun deconstructing Barack Obama's State of the Union speeches, digging under the multiple layers of obfuscation and soaring double-talk and platitudes to finally arrive at the essential neoliberal message of reassurance to the Masters of the Universe. 

With Donald Trump, though, there is no such need to parse. What you hear is what you get. And fact-checking is a wasted effort. Just follow Dorothy Parker's recipe and assume that every word he utters is a lie, including "and" and "the."

Maybe it was because he avoided the draft with a phony diagnosis of bone spurs in his heels, but Trump's amateur rendering of Major Jack D. Ripper from Dr. Strangelove was a tad on the wooden side. The moment that he forced a couple of moribund World War II vets out of their wheelchairs did not quite rise to the level of sadism we have come to expect from this president. But the TV cameras did their best, capturing every wincing, creaking, grimacing moment as aides dragged the two men to their feet for the obligatory ovations before gently shoving them back down again for the viewing pleasure of America.

Another guest of honor, a young boy invited to the event because his last name is Trump and he's been bullied as a result, escaped the other Trump's hectoring speech by simply falling asleep. (Recovering Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg did not attend this year, so I guess somebody had to do the napping honors.) Just like his namesake, Joshua Trump simply wasn't up to the job of pretending to be interested. If the president's jingoistic boilerplate rhetoric and the thundering applause and raucous cries of USA! USA! USA! it inspired weren't enough to wake a child from his slumbers, then how do Trump and his team of neocon kleptocrats expect the rest of us to overcome the sickly inhibitions of our recurring Vietnam Syndrome and get all excited about invading Venezuela and replacing socialism for the people with socialism for the corporations?

But at least Trump cares about The Children. He used as another human shield a little girl named Grace, who because she lives in a rich country without universal health insurance, had made it her life's work to collect money for St. Jude's Hospital. Then she was stricken with cancer herself. Therefore, Trump will not ask that Congress pass Medicare for All. to help with her expenses. He will ask for public funding for cancer research so that private pharmaceutical companies can make a whole bunch of money on new cancer drugs.

But for those hardworking parents going broke paying premiums and out-of-pocket medical expenses, Trump will offer them the peace of mind of more charter schools for the enrichment of the oligarchs. 

I am also proud to be the first President to include in my budget a plan for nationwide paid family leave — so that every new parent has the chance to bond with their newborn child. There could be no greater contrast to the beautiful image of a mother holding her infant child than the chilling displays our nation saw in recent days.

Now, what immediately came to my mind was children being ripped away from their parents at the border and then imprisoned in cages. And that made me think of the bone-chillingly cold conditions endured by inmates of the federal prison in Brooklyn when the power failed in the wake of Trump's shutdown and the Polar Vortex that so unfairly and illegally crossed our precious borders.

But, I was mistaken. The grisly images that Trump harbors in his sick demented mind are fetuses being ripped out of their mother's wombs and Democrats cheering with delight at the graphic spectacle. So here's a thought. Maybe if the refugee moms who cross the border start hiding their babies under their clothing instead of holding them tenderly in their arms, the mad doctors of ICE will be less likely to rip them away.

Let us work together to build a culture that cherishes innocent life. And let us reaffirm a fundamental truth: all children — born and unborn — are made in the holy image of God.

Yes, let's. And we can start by reuniting the migrant children with their parents and passing a single payer health insurance plan that covers everybody from cradle to grave. Maybe even Trump himself can finally be cured of his Jack D. Ripper-style paranoid fantasy that aliens are invading him and sucking away all his precious bodily fluids.

Sadly, though, when Trump D. Ripper spoke of the final part of his agenda being the protection of security, he wasn't talking about health care, Social Security, a living wage or a guaranteed income. He was talking about the improved security of the Masters of War, to the tune of nearly a trillion dollars in bomb and munitions and surveillance and invasion funding each and every year.

And all the white feminist regalia and stony-faced Democrats in the audience notwithstanding, the Senate in a solidly bipartisan vote actually rebuked Trump this week for daring to reduce troop levels in Syria and Afghanistan without first asking their permission, notwithstanding that they were never asked for permission, by the previous administrations, to invade and occupy and commit grisly acts in these countries in the first place.

Trump's speech, which the New York Times called the third longest SOTU speech in history, ended on this insipid, hackneyed and threatening note: 

Here tonight we have legislators from across this magnificent republic. You have come from the rocky shores of Maine and the volcanic peaks of Hawaii. From the snowy woods of Wisconsin and the red deserts of Arizona. From the green farms of Kentucky and the golden beaches of California.
Together, we represent the most extraordinary nation in all of history. What will we do with this moment? How will we be remembered?
I ask the men and women of this Congress: Look at the opportunities before us. Our most thrilling achievements are still ahead. Our most exciting journeys still await. Our biggest victories are still to come. We have not yet begun to dream.

And here I thought I was in the middle of a waking nightmare. 

Joshua Trump probably had the right idea.