The Four Stages of Neocon Arousal

A Neocon with the apt name of Major Gen. Spider Marks went on CNN Wednesday to give Wolf Blitzer and his sidekick Tom Foreman a stimulating tutorial on the Four Stages of Attacking Syria. Marks's presentation did not, of course, in any way crib from Masters and Johnson's Four Stages Of Human Sexual Response. But it definitely seemed to arouse Wolf Blitzer, judging from the feverish glitter in his bespectacled eyes and the rosy flush erupting behind his fuzzy white beard, as the scenario for wanking Syria was laid out before him, in the form of a colorful map. All shiny and decked out in bright colors. Lying helpless on the floor, in a darkened studio.

CNN did not disclose that Gen. Spider Marks (not to be confused with Col. Tick Bites) is a paid shill who made millions as a private contractor during the Iraq occupation. He's been exposed before, most notably by the New York Times in its Pulitzer-winning blockbuster, as one of a whole army of Pentagon-controlled apparatchiks paid to go on TV and pimp out war. And like the comic book hero by the same name, he just keeps coming back.

And this time, not to be outdone by Miley Cyrus, Spider gave the audience its money's worth. Although he lacked a phallic finger with which to display an estimated 50 Syrian sweet spots on the map, he made do with twerking it, military-style,with his foot.

The Four Phases of Neocon Arousal, as outlined by Spider Man:

1) "Getting in position". Battleships manned, artillery aimed. The grooming phase is complete, so let's move on, Wolf.

2) "Staging": a.k.a. the Plateau Phase. Excitement, though mounting, was being kept under strict control as President Obama finished up his speech at the Lincoln Memorial. But the ships are getting ever closer to the tempting Syrian beaches. Planes are circling just outside the restricted area. The tension is palpable. The Tomahawks are pulsating. The NSA Peeping Toms are ogling. Tom Foreman is breathing hard. The corporate media tom-toms are throbbing.

3). "Execution Phase". Crescendo. Fire Away. Shock and Awe.  The Military-Industrial Complex orgasms from every direction. Defense stocks surge. Mission Accomplished. America Got Testosterone!

4) The "Stability Phase." Syria, whipped into a quivering 50 Shades of Gray stupor, smokes a cigarette. The Americans sneak out without so much as the promise of a phone call.

But never fear, Spider reassures us. There are probably plenty more surgical strikes where that one came from. After all, this is only the first time. As the usual craven, unidentified White House flack tells it, the whole purpose of wanking Syria is to appear just "muscular" enough to avoid getting mocked.

So there you have it. The show must, and will, go on. Fear of political embarrassment dictates it.