Saturday, April 2, 2011

Lounging With Laura

The New York Times Magazine is running (for paid-up subscribers and content thieves) a blessedly short puff piece titled "Laura Bush is Back at the Ranch."  Why so short?  Well, it was originally a little longer, but as you will see from this rough draft somebody rescued from the garbage can, there is a kindly editor who prettied it up a bit.  Remember -- the New York Times is a willing and eager spinner/enabler/PR tool of all presidential administrations: past, present and future.

I Had No Idea How Stressed I Was

GOOD RIDDANCE, WASHINGTON: There is a stark contrast between life in the White House and life at home. I didn’t really know I was stressed until I moved home and started taking massive doses of Valium I wasn’t.

HOME ALONE: Barney and Miss Beazley had a harder time adjusting than we did. They miss the large staff and have gotten clingy.  They started peeing in George's shoes when he took them off, and then squish.

NEW DISCOVERY: I found how incompetent I am around the home. For 14 years, I never cooked. This last Christmas, when the last of the help finally quit I cooked lunch for my mother and our daughter Barbara. I just roasted the turkey breast. The whole turkey seemed too difficult. Life is too difficult.

FAVORITE DEMOCRAT: Hillary Clinton. She and I have a lot of the same interests in helping women around the world.after we invade their countries and having annoying husbands. I am My secretary is still in touch with her publicist, and periodically our minions staffs talk.

GRANDKID PREP: We put a secret door from our bedroom that opens into the girls’ part of the house, in the hope of one day I can escape this living hell having to leave it open so that we could hear a baby or babies.

FAVORITE OBJECT: I have walking canes made by Roosevelt Wilkerson, a formerly homeless man in Dallas. He finds these great sticks and carves the Ten Commandments in them. We gave one to Pope Benedict that said Suffer the Little Children and No Child's Behind Left.

CHERISHED RUG: The one I got for free bought through ARZU, a company that an American woman started for Afghan women as a tax write-off, to help them find employment -  help, not actually find, mind you.

A TOUCH OF GORE: We built this house during the 2000 campaign. We knew we wanted it to be energy efficient. We have geothermal heat and air. We built a big cistern, and water runs off the roof into a trough into the cistern.  We put lots of Dow chemicals in the water to kill off all those Giant Texas skeeters and if the neighbors' pets trespass and take a drink, too bad.

FAVORITE CHORE: I love cleaning. The girls love to make fun of me about this. I just like for things to be orderly. My husband is pretty orderly, too.  We have untreated OCD.  We’re both ruthless about getting rid of clutter. We're both ruthless, we're both ruthless, got to wash hands...

ENTERTAINMENT CENTER: We loved “The King’s Speech” and “The Social Network,” but what I watched this year, which became an addiction besides the pills, was an old BBC series called “The House of Eliott.”  The help My staff had given it to me for my birthday, and when we had those long snow days, when George screamed if I tried to leave the room  I never got out, I watched all 34 episodes. It is about two sisters who are left by their father penniless, and they develop into fashion designers. Of course, I was never left penniless, haven't had to work in years and I am set for life because of George's investments in Middle Eastern oil and the Bush Crime Family's many and varied business ventures.

FANTASY CAREER: I would have made a very excellent book editor, because I am interested in writing and in words, and I like red pencils.  And orange pencils and purple pencils and green pencils and kaleidoscopes and the smell of glue and

COUPLES RETREAT: George and I do everything together, really. We read at the same time. We go to bed early and I read The Hardy Boys to him very single night. We have all of our breakfasts and dinners together. The ones the help cooks.

PRESIDENT BUSH'S MOST ANNOYING HABIT:  Smack. "Smacking on chewing gum."

ON THE PRESIDENT’S MIND: He’s always worried about our small lake that is stocked with bass, because he loves to fish. There’s always some concern: It’s too hot. It’s too cold. Too soft.  Too hard.He has to have everything just so. He's the decider..  Are the fish not getting enough feed? That’s what he worries about. Oh, and the frogs.  He has to have those frogs on the Fourth of July to stick firecrackers into and blow up, like the neighbor boy told Nick Kristof at The Times that time.  What a cute story that was.

SIGN OFF: I actually just got a BlackBerry message from George that said "jdsdseihfgye8ddg", “Where are you?”


Sharon said...

LOL is totally over-used, so: Laughed So Hard I Choked On My Coffee (Rwandan/Ethiopian blend - 40/60%)
Focus on the pencils. Focus on the pencils and the bass. The pencils and the bass. The pencils and the bass. Don't let anything in. Close the doors. Pull the blinds. Cook turkey wings. Just the wings. Just the wings. Nothing but the wings. Don't forget the pencils. Don't forget.

Marie Burns said...

Wow, thanks. This is great for those of us who want to read the really important news in the New York Times but are lazy, unemployed slackers who can't afford to subscribe. I can't thank you enough for reproducing the Times story, and I especially appreciate your giving us the unedited version, which is way more in keeping with my own happy remembrances of Prez and First Lady past. You should get a public service award, Ms. Garcia.

The Constant Weader

Kate Madison said...

I do not think you are being fair to Laura Bush in saying she likes all colors of pencils....I believe that she likes only red!

Also, you imply that Georgie knows how to use a Blackberry. Errr....maybe you didn't actually. Anyhow, do you think his ever present Secret Service men procur the firecrackers for him to blow up the little froggies? Or is that really what Laura does in her free time?

One last question: do you think Laura is on something stronger than Valium? You mentioned glue.....

Anonymous said...

The above article and comments are not worthy of a long comment, one word will do, and from Russian at that: некультурный


Anonymous said...

Pižon poterân


Anonymous said...

Laura, ya think President O'Bomber might just do a Dubya in Libya?

Donald T- Rump

Marina said...

I still subscribe to the Times--for now--and this piece in the magazine literally made me want to throw up. Thanks for your helps. I've read that Botox can potentially migrate to the brain, and dull people's ability to experience emotion...Laura B. is surely an example. To quote Akira Kurosawa, "The Bad Sleep Well" (assuming Laura B. can still close her eyes, given how tightly her face is stretched).

turnipseed said...

This was amusing and I enjoyed it, but I really think it's off the mark. Laura Bush is the least offensive of her ilk. There are much bigger fish to fry. A puff piece is perfect for anyone as non-descriptive as Mrs. Bush.

Is there any evidence that Mrs. Bush has any past or present problem with legal or non-legal drugs? I really don't get this at all, especially some of the snide comments from people I normally respect a great deal.

I would laugh up a storm at such a thing if it were about W, but I just can't see a good reason to pick on this long-suffering woman who really was the only republican to not spend her time bad-mouthing the opposition. Laura Bush has always been gracious, if not the brightest bulb in the carton. Yes, she's led a rather pointless and pampered life, but this piece suffers from a bit of "Dowdism" as decscribed in Marie Burns' deleted comment to Dowd's fashion column. (See Reality Chex).

Janet Camp

Karen Garcia said...

Hi Janet,

For info on Laura Bush and drugs, google it. It's out there. Mrs. Bush may be gracious, but I will never forget her refusal to acknowledge the grief-stricken mother of an American soldier killed in Iraq at one of her speeches. She never engaged with Cindy Sheehan, although she must have passed by in her motorcade to and from "the ranch" a hundred times. Read Molly Ivins for the details. She was "unkind" as well, and rightly so. I would not call an enabler of the Bushies, no matter how seemingly innocuous or dim, harmless. There is such a thing as passive aggression. My little Dowdyism of a snark piece was directly inspired by the insensitive, self-involved answers she gave to a questionnaire to The Times and which I and many others found extremely offensive. It needed treatment.