Sunday, April 24, 2011

No Peeps at The People's House

Can You Guess Which is the Soft-Boiled, Rolled Over Easy One?
  Are you bummed that you didn't score a ticket to Monday's annual White House Easter Egg Roll?  Not to worry.  You can always go to next Saturday's annual Peep-Off candy fest in Maryland instead, or just stay home and watch one living old pope beatify another dead one in Rome. Then, if you are really bored and have a strong stomach, or just want to laugh at the expense of the rich and self-involved, tune in to the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner.  The WaPo has invited The Donald, and even Bristol Palin will make an appearance.  It's a gala opportunity to watch the Fourth Estate stenographers fawn all over the people they are supposed to cover. As in, give cover to.  Of course, you will probably still be recovering from your 3 a.m. wakeup call Friday to watch the Will and Kate nuptials on all 145 networks.  It is all too much to handle, especially since most of those polled are termininally depressed about "where the country is headed" and have other things to worry about, like eating and gassing up the car.

But just in case you did score a magical golden ticket to the White House day-after-Easter event, you WILL be checked at the gate. Since the hoi polloi have no earthly idea about proper attire and accessories, the cryptkeepers are laying it out for us:

 "The following items are prohibited and will not be permitted into general public and public ticketed areas: firearm / ammunition of any type, weapon of any type, hazardous materials, chemical materials, radiological materials, biological materials,knives (of any kind), toy guns / toy weapons, fireworks, pepper spray / mace, scissors, razor blades, needles, leatherman brand tools (or similar), screwdrivers (or similar), glass bottles / containers, thermoses, tripods, backpacks / coolers, air-horns, laser pointers, aerosol containers, sticks / poles, chairs, animals except guide dogs, and duffle bags / suitcases."

So, how much fun could it be?  Besides leaving your crochet hooks and leftover radioactive spinach at home, you'd better forget about your stash of Peeps candy too. It's not on the list, but Peeps are known to be dangerous.  Not only are they about 500 percent sugar, (and this is an official  First Lady "let's move" anti-obesity event)  they are potential weapons of mass destruction.  It is estimated that more than one billion Peeps chicks, ducks and bunnies will have been consumed by the nation's children (and their sneak-thief parents) by the time some of them reach the White House lawn on Monday.  We are talking massive sugar hangovers and residual candy buzz. It is estimated that Americans have spent close to $2 billion on Easter Candy this year, and Peeps are second only to chocolate in popularity.  Plus, we have evidence that Peeps smoke and drink: 

(pics from

So, besides the Secret Service, the White House Drug Czar should be at the ready, just in case. Unless, of course, he and the narco squad are busily raiding doctors' offices to make sure sick people aren't getting too many pain meds. 

Happy Easter everybody!


"Cat" will do said...

That's wonderful, Karen.! You are one witty dame.

John in Lafayette said...

My research methods professor would have said that the photographs constitute anecdotal evidence and we can't make any kind of definitive statement about the larger population of Peeps.

And anyway, alcoholic Peeps may not be a bad thing. After all, kobe beef cattle are fed beer, and that gives us steaks of wonderful tenderness and flavor. I'm all for eating a Peep that was raised on vodka! The cigarettes I can do without.

Thanks for another great column. Hope you had a happy holiday.

Valerie Long Tweedie said...

All I could think about when reading this is how the wealthy upper echelon in our government and society (and those sycophants invited into the hallowed halls) live and party-on ignoring the working poor in this country as if to say, “Let them eat cake!” I read the two reviews of Methland (I didn't have the heart to read the book as I knew it would haunt me for months) in the NY Times and well, it was haunting. The idea that people in these small, agricultural towns are so desperate that they will do anything just to try to keep up and survive while huge corporations exploit the hell out of them makes me sick to my stomach. Yet, our politicians and journalists all celebrate Easter and the fact that their lot in life is great.

I keep thinking of that quote attributed to Ghandi, "Live simply, so that others may simply live.”

Metro Journalist said...

President Obama also smokes, so it must be OK, right?