The Sarcasm Dragnet

 

 

The folks of the Surveillance State are shocked, shocked that snark and symbolism and smoldering emotions are going on in the chat-o-sphere. They just can't keep up with the jokes, the irony, the pissed-offiness, the double-entendres, the parodies, the satire that are running rampant in cyberspace. It's jamming up their poor brains as they constantly troll, in real time, the communications of every man, woman, child, boojum, bandersnatch and jubjub with an internet connection.

Is that a terrorist sicko they're monitoring, or just a sicko with a terrific sense of humor? It's hard out there for the spooks. Their reading comprehension scores are falling far, far behind their reading speed scores. And thus, the Department of Homeland Security has just put out a work order for special software to help our minders detect sarcastic blog posts, hidden meanings, deleted or altered Tweets, and snarky online comments. They are procuring what they call a "Computer Based Annual Social Media Analytics Subscription."

For the Snark's a peculiar creature, that won't

   Be caught in a commonplace way.

Do all that you know, and try all that you don't:

   Not a chance must be wasted to-day!

Here, if you choose to accept it, is your Mission Implausible from Uncle Sam:

HSSS01-14-Q-0182

This is a combined synopsis/solicitation for commercial items prepared in accordance with the format prescribed in Subpart 12.6 of the Federal Acquisition Regulation (FAR), as supplemented with additional information included in this notice. A subsequent solicitation document will not be issued. Solicitation HSSS01-14-Q-0182 is issued as a Request for Proposal (RFP) though FAC 2005-72.  The NAICS is 511210. The United States Secret Service  intends to award a ( FFP) Firm Fixed Price competitive contract on the basis of Best Value to the Government

STATEMENT OF WORK

UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE

SOCIAL MEDIA ANALYTICS TOOL

1.0       INTRODUCTION

This requirement is for procurement of a social media analytics software  tool to be used by the United States Secret Service (USSS) Office of Government and Public Affairs (GPA).

2.0       MISSION

The Secret Service is a federal law enforcement agency with headquarters in Washington, D.C. and over 140 offices domestically and internationally.  Although, the USSS was established in 1865, solely to suppress the counterfeiting of United States currency, its mission has grown to include: safeguarding the nation's financial infrastructure and payment systems; preserving the integrity of the economy; and to protecting national leaders, visiting heads of state and government, designated sites, and National Special Security Events (NSSE).

3. 0      OBJECTIVES

Procure a social media software analytics tool with the ability to:

• Automate the social media monitoring process;
• Synthesize large sets of social media data;
• Identify statistical pattern analysis;
• Visually present complex data in a clear, concise manner; and
• Provide user friendly functionality to multiple staff members.

4.0       TASK ORDER/PERIOD OF PERFORMANCE

One (1)BPA (Blanket Purchasing Agreement) with a period of 5 years. 

5.0       SPECIFIC REQUIREMENTS

The software tool must possess the following capabilities/functionality:

• Real-time stream analysis;
• Customizable, keyword search features;
• Sentiment analysis;
• Trend analysis;
• Audience segmentation;
• Geographic segmentation;
• Qualitative, data visualization representations (heat maps, charts, graphs, etc.);
• Multiple user access;
• Functionality to have read-only users;
• Access to historical twitter data;
• Influencer identification;
• Standard web browser access with login credentials;
• User level permissions;
• Compatibility with Internet Explorer 8;
• Section 508 compliant;
• Ability to detect sarcasm and false positives;
• Functionality to send notifications to users;
• Functionality to analyze data over a given period of time;
• Ability to quantify the agency's social media outreach/footprint;
• Vendor-provided training and technical/customer support;
• Ability to create custom reports without involving IT specialists; and
• Ability to search online content in multiple languages.

All proposals must be submitted via email to Contract Specialist via Email at ivy.meadows@associates. usss.dhs.gov and charles.keeney@usss.dhs.gov   NO LATER THAN 9 June  2014, at 5:00 PM EST

 Don't you feel safer already? Robbie the Robot (aka Big Brother) will be constantly scanning, never sleeping, with a preternatural ability to detect nuance and hidden meanings in every digitized word.  He/it will be able to create custom reports without the need for human eyes or human brains. Softy Ware be able to measure his own spooky footprints wherever he dares to tread! If he feels like it, he can even send notifications to the perpetrators of suspected irony! Like, "Duh, could you explain the punchline again? Does not compute...ute...ute. The Blue Screen of Death will come knocking if you don't knock off the snark!" 

Taking a tip from the snark-hunters of yore, they will use all the means at their disposal in their search for meaning:

They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;

   They pursued it with forks and hope;

They threatened its life with a railway-share;

   They charmed it with smiles and soap.

So, what could possibly go wrong? What could possibly be the potential for abuse? 

As NextGov observes, those honchos of the Homeland have gotten into hot water for this kind of stuff before:

A couple of years ago, the Homeland Security Department, the agency's parent, got in trouble with lawmakers and civil liberties groups for a social media program that would work, in  part, by having employees create fake usernames and profiles to spy on other users.  

A House Homeland Security Committee panel called DHS officials into a hearing after reports the department tasked analysts with collecting data that reflected negatively on the government, such as content about the transfer of Guantanamo detainees to a Michigan jail. The Electronic Privacy Information Center has sued DHS for more information on the program.

The likely defense this time will be that the software made them do it. No actual communications will be intentionally collected on purpose willingly. Besides, the software isn't merely collecting your words. It's collecting your meaning, your emotions, even your subliminal thoughts. It's a whole new job description for the Secret Service.

Oh, and before I forget: we just marked the first anniversary of the Edward Snowden revelations. 

So, stick a fork in it, Spooks! You're done. (I mean that literally, Bro.)